Why Bookworms Lead Dangerous Lives // full and final proof that exams are eating away at my sanity

How many times has someone told you to get your nose out of your book and go explore the Great Outdoors, go adventuring? One too many times, I’m sure.

But what the preparators of this statement fail to comprehend is that we bookworms are also constantly in danger by virtue of our own bookish habits. Every time we read, our very lives are on the line (how brave of us). As if mountain climbing, tight rope walking and rollercoaster riding can ever compare to the dangers of reading a book.

Following this line of thought, today I’ll be listing the various risks associated with reading which will prove how dangerous bookworms’ lives actually are.

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Okay. Situation 1. You are peacefully reading a murder mystery (as peaceful as you can be when investigating a murder), feeling that smug bout of satisfaction because you already know who the killer will turn out to be. Like literally all of the clues point to them, it would not have hurt the author to be a little more subtle right? And then it comes. You are caught completely unawares. What- how- when- but- she was his best friend?! Now you will smile a smug smile and say Ha Rachel i don’t read murder mysteries, joke’s on you so believe me when I say that fantasy books can be equally capable of giving you a heart attack (remember that time in These Violent Delights when she shot him and i thought he DIED but thank GOD he didn’t because then I would have died?? or what about If This Gets Out, which played the same cruel joke and I was so sure he was dead??)
The result? Heart failure due to plot twist.) and our conclusion is that NO ONE IS SAFE.

Next, picture yourself reading a gripping book. The story has hooked you and you NEED to know what happens next so you read. And read. And read. Mild disturbances occur, like people going from knocking at your door persistently to throwing pillows at you and begging you to STOP but you don’t let anything deter you and keep reading until you finish. It is only then that you hear a rumble (that’s your stomach by the way) and feel weak and realize you haven’t eaten in HOURS. Sounds a lot like starvation, don’t you think?

Ooh and what if you are reading outdoors? I hate to tell you this, but this only increases the risks a thousand times over. Bumping into a pillar (or people!!), causing road accidents, being the reason a poor cyclist nearly fell off his bike – who knows what destruction you’ll leave in your wake, all while you’re walking around engrossed in a book? So my dear friends, be smart and read at home. (i sound like one of those commercials don’t i?)

Not to say that you’re completely safe at home as well. Imagine you’re lying on your back on the bed, reading your new copy of Our Violent Ends (bonus points if it is a hardback!) and there’s some shooting and a character nearly DIES and you gasp and lose your grip on the book and it falls on your face ungracefully. Voila, that’s a broken nose. And there’ll be a round of I TOLD YOU NOT TO READ LIKE THAT from the rest of the household but we’ll focus on the nose.

If you thought death by grief was not a thing, THINK AGAIN. We die a little every time authors decide to toy with us by doing the unthinkable – killing off a character. I remember staring ahead blankly in shock during those moments in Crooked Kingdom until people started waving their hands in front of me to make sure I was still alive.

And don’t even mention the amount of sleep we give up on for books. When we are not reading them at ungodly hours of the night, we are thinking about them, or looking up fanart and fanfiction or just anything to stay with our characters for just a little bit longer.

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Since I do not want to scare you off from reading books for the rest of you life, I’m going to stop here (you’re very welcome). But next time you see an (seemingly) innocent little human sitting in a sunny cozy corner with their nose in a book, give a second thought about the valiant risks they are taking (and maybe write a song in our glory too).

Have you ever faced these dangers firsthand? (if not, tell me your secrets to immortality) Let me know in the comments so that I know that I am not alone!

~ Rachel